Just got off the phone with Aaron as he wanted to call me to tell me he went poop. Yea! Damon is with him tonight, then tomorrow they will come home and we will celebrate Christmas. He is so excited, and I am so glad he gets to come home tomorrow. There is a lot of drama right now with decisions regarding the surgery - location, doctor, etc. We keep being told that if we leave the study Aaron isn't a candidate for the stem cell transplant, but I have the oncologist on a recorded conversation telling us that Aaron has to have a transplant. I just feel unsettled about the whole thing, and the only reason that it matters is that the best implant for his leg may take a while to make and that would disqualify us from the study. It's hard for me to speak up to the doctor sometimes as I am such a people pleaser and I don't want to offend him. Part of this learning experience is to truly be an advocate and put those childish things behind me.
My friends saved the day - or days- again. Malinda let me crash her party on Christmas eve as I was truly a wreck. Then she hung out with me on Christmas day and Doug and Lauren visited Aaron. THEN she also stepped in and babysat for me on Friday afternoon as Aaron's MRI was pushed back. What would I do without her! Pam then kicked in and came and spent the evening with us which was great so I couldn't just cry and mope. It is hard not to. I just had this whole conversation with Damon about whether Aaron is getting a blood transfusion, and what he needs to be pre-medicated with like this is some normal thing. I DON'T WANT MY LITTLE BOY GETTING REGULAR BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS!!! There, got that off of my chest!
I am no fun but yet you all stick with me. I am at a loss, but so thankful. I am telling you, one thing I am learning is how to be a better friend when this is done. My friends are loving me in such needed and practical ways, and I see how bad at that I am. I can't say thank you enough!
Tomorrow is Christmas - well for us!
Christmas Card
I picked up a box of Christmas cards this morning (I needed one for the girl who cuts my hair ... more later) and this one spoke to me.
"Christmas is a reason
to be joyful, to believe,
A reason to be grateful
for the blessings we receive
a reason to have faith and trust
in our gracious Lord above . . .
Christmas is a reason
to be filled with hope and love."
Yes, celebrating that God sent Jesus, our redeemer, to earth is a reason to be joyful, even in the midst of a dark time. I am praying that through God's help this week I will be able to reflect with gratitude on the many blessings I have so undeservedly received, and be joyful and have faith.
The little things can make such a big difference. Annette, the girl who cuts my hair, fit me in at 6 a.m. this morning so I could get my hair cut and highlighted. For those of you who have seen me lately, you know the roots were getting out of hand! Since Aaron was diagnosed she will only charge me enough to cover her costs, and she is such an encouragement. I don't think that Annette is a believer, but God has blessed me through her. If you need a new stylist, she does a great job!
I am dreading telling Aaron we are going to the hospital this morning. Please pray that it will go as smoothly as possible for him. He is still having rectal pain and bathroom problems, which I guess are just going to be a fact of life for the few months as he can't heal right now due to the chemo. Please pray for that as well that he will get some relief and that I'll have wisdom on helping him. It is so distressing to see him in pain and not be able to help him very much.
Most of all please pray that I will seek the Lord first and foremost, and stop trying to figure this all out on my own. I can't take the burden, and He wants it.
Starting back up
After some thought, I've decided to reactivate this blog. There is so much going on with what is happening with Aaron that I just can't put on the CarePage because it belongs with people closer in my life. We are about to go into round six of this fight, and I am tired. I am tired of spending half of my life in the hospital, tired of my family being separated, tired of the toll on my marriage. Mainly I am tired of watching Aaron hurt and not get to do normal things. He has been such a trooper, but I hate that his life has been changed by cancer. He experiences so much pain from his constipation/rectal issues that I am at a loss as to how to help sometimes. Yesterday in the car he was having pain and screaming "mama help me", then saying that God could help him. Thats tough theology for even an adult to grasp - God could choose to intervene and take the pain away but doesn't. It is difficult to hear him cry out for God's help and not have the miraculous happen. It is hard not to be bitter. I may as well say upfront - there are things I will share in this blog that aren't pretty, and what I don't need is anyone to worry about me and try to fix my problems by finding the one Bible verse that will put a smile on my face. To be honest, none of you can do that - only the Holy Spirit. I do know the truth, and many times can be so thankful for what God is doing through this nightmare, but there are days and hours that I just don't get it and I am sad and angry.
Can I list one thing I am thankful for right now? Yes. I am thankful for the grace of God that I am forgiven and loved beyond what I can comprehend. Loved enough to get angry and be distrustful and still be forgiven and accepted. Thank you Lord for your everlasting love and faithfulness to me!
There are so many fears as we face surgery and stem cell transplant in the next couple of months. Please pray that I can be courageous and do my best to get Aaron through these things with as much ease as possible. Please pray that I somehow will be loving to my husband in the midst of this anxiety and depression. Please pray that Aaron lives through this bout and that this cancer never comes back!
Getting back on track . . . tomorrow!
OK, I started my period, and I have over-tired grouchy kids today. I think getting my fresh start will need to begin tomorrow! I'll call it post-holiday weekend blues. My sink is clean and I did a load of laundry and I am dressed, so I guess that is better than nothing!
Another cup of coffee is calling my name! By the way, I found a neat website - Magical Childhood - done by a homeschooling mom for fun crafts and ideas for creative play. Disclaimer: I haven't read everything on the site and if there is something really goofy I apologize, but I think she has some really great ideas.
I was inspired to make more "magical" moments for my family, and I hope it gives you some ideas as well!
Today is a new day!
Not a banner day here yesterday! Didn't get the control journal started, didn't do some laundry that needed doing, etc. Defrosted chicken for dinner, but didn't pay attention and I didn't have enough since my mom-in-law was also invited which meant a trip to the store to buy a rotisserie. Another example of disorganization costing $$! My real downfall though was just not turning my thoughts to the Lord and turning to overeating. I made an awesome dinner - Giada DeLaurentis' Chicken Carbonara recipe here. This is a very satisfying and filling dish, so why did I go on to eat a bowl of ice cream and two large bowls of fruit loops? Because I was a little on edge and rather than turn to the Lord I turned to favorite foods. Did I mention I was home alone? I do have my pride - I wouldn't pig out like that in front of Damon!
Today is a new day and I can choose to make today different. We are watching my friend's pre-teen boys while they do some marriage counseling for another couple, so I have built-in help with the kids and should be able to get a lot done. I hope you choose to walk in the Spirit today and in that ever-present battlefield of the mind stop the negative, life-draining thought patterns and go to the Word instead! OK, not to encourage you to overeat but Breyer's Ice Cream is on sale for $2.50 at Wal-Mart and the big box of Fruit Loops is on sale too! They also carry every ingredient for Chicken Carbonara at a good price and you should really try that!
Getting my act together
Uggg, it is always so apparent how much I need to get my act together. So much in fact, that I actually decided to start a journal with progress and backsliding in my quest to get my act together. Since I am bored with this blog and it doesn't have any purpose, I decided to make this my online journey and anyone else who needs to get it together can comment on their own progress. My target areas are to be more disciplined to spend time with the Lord, create a structure for maintaining order in the home, discipline to not overeat and get some exercise, and get my act together financially. So, my new blog is going to be called getmyacttogether.blogspot.com and this is the end of the Fragrant Offerings blog. Please come visit me there!
Happy Mother's Day
My little rocker
Our friend Chad came over last night and brought his drum kit. Aaron went and brought in all of his instruments - maracas, xylophone, toy drum, keyboard - and joined in the fun. It was a great treat when Chad let Aaron have a turn on the drum kit. He had a blast which of course made it really fun for mommy!Coconut oil
You may not know that I used to work in the health food industry, first as an assistant buyer for Arizona Health Foods, then as a sales broker representing about 30 lines of products. I actually kind of hated that job because it meant helping at new store openings unloading pallets of goods and carrying 65 pound boxes around. What I did like however was all of the product knowledge that I got and all of the freebies! During that time there was a lot of hype about coconut oil, and I tried it for a little bit but just couldn't handle eating it. It solidifies at room temp., and it tastes pretty gross eating chunky oil. I just bought some though for my grandma because it is good for energy, and I discovered it is great in coffee. I know - sounds weird - but coffee has natural oils so it somehow all works together. So if you were ever interested in the benefits of coconut oil - for your skin, weight management, energy, whatever - try taking it in coffee. I don't believe any hype that it will change your life, but I think it is beneficial. I'm going to put it in my coffee for a couple of weeks and I'll tell you if I notice anything remarkable!
Ped Egg Review
I had seen those infomercials for the Ped Egg and just thought it was some goofy product, but then I saw it at Linens and Things. I went online and read some good reviews of it so I thought I'd try it. Back in the day when I wasn't trying to save $$ I would get regular pedicures, but now I am trying to cut that back but still have sandal-ready feet. I bought the Ped Egg at CVS for $9.99 came home and tried it and loved it! I don't know what makes it better than other pedicure tools I've tried but with five minutes on each foot my feet look much better! I bought Damon his own because, well, some things I just don't want to share with him.
The Lazy Blogger
I am a lazy blogger. I think it's because this blog started out as one thing and turned out differently - thanks to my friend who flaked out on me. Just kidding!!! Ok, so I have been tagged a dozen times and haven't posted anything. Here is a main thing to know about me - I am very rebellious and if you tell me I have to do something, oh I don't know, maybe by tagging me for example, I hate to do it! So I am going to do Malinda's tag because it is the shortest:
Taxes, teddy bears and tupperware!
Here are a couple of pics of Aaron - sorry Ben none of you today! He has discovered making "funny faces" from his cousin Jacob. He also has discovered the idea of a teddy bear and wants to take one to bed now. He prefers to have all of the animals in bed though, as you can see!
Old fashioned fun!
Damon bought a sprinkler to attach to the hose and the kids love it! This has been a daily activity since he brought it home, and mommy is very thankful for something easy and fun to do! It just reminds me of being a kid and playing in the sprinklers on a warm Arizona day. We always had a pool growing up, but there was something extra fun about running through the grass and jumping over the spray.
Insecurities
I was at Women's Bible Study a few weeks ago and I had one of those awkward few minutes where I was just standing there with no one to talk to and feeling dumb. Ever have those moments? My insecurities sort of rushed over me and those gawky junior higher feelings of not fitting in surfaced. Ugg, I hate those moments! It got me thinking recently of insecurities and feeling inadequate, etc. I am thankful for that moment (and the many others like it) because those feelings can drive me to the Lord to find my security in Him. I was thinking back to a time about 11 years ago when I was at a party. At the time I had just moved away and was back for a visit. At this party was a group I had been integrated with for years through church and college, and since I was visiting I was sort of the "life" of the party. I fluttered about and everyone wanted to see me and talk to me. Damon was actually at that party and it was part of what first attracted him to me - seeing me completely in my element and lighting things up. Wow, sounds like I'm building myself but I really don't mean it like that. That was a time in my life when I was often the center of things and from the outside there may have been some envy from others wanting to be in the center as well. The part no one saw was after the party, when I was home beating myself up for hours for being too loud, too attention-seeking, too fat (I weighed a lot more then), too sarcastic, etc. Have you ever done that? Analyzed every move that you made at a party, on a date, out with a friend. I used to do that with the precision of a surgeon - loathing myself for every wrong move.
You guessed it!
Yes, a couple of you guessed correctly who the flower girl at my wedding was - Lauren Harrell. Lauren was four years old, and cute as a button! Damon and Malinda were friends from the college group at Scottsdale Bible way back in the day. I got to meet the Harrells through Damon after we started dating. I actually met Malinda for the first time when she was in the hospital after having Josiah, so that was close to about ten years now I think. She must have been thrilled to have just had a baby and have a stranger come to visit, but I think she has forgiven Damon for that by now! What a blessing to have them in our lives!
Calling the credit card company . . . again!
Just a quick note. If you saw my earlier post on calling to get the interest rate reduced, you know that I did that one day with all of our cards and got reductions in the rate. Well, since we started the business and last year had to pretty much live on savings and credit every little bit off of the rate helps. The other day I had to call Discover Card for an old statement, and at the end of the call the customer service rep asked if there was anything else he could help me with. I said, "well since you asked can you reduce my interest rate." He laughed, then said he would check. After a minute he told me that he could reduce it by 5%! After I thanked him, he asked again if there was anything else he could help me with (that must be the mandatory closing line), but it didn't work twice! So the moral is keep asking and asking! Here is a link to one of my favorite blogs -
Happy Anniversary!
Wow - it's been 8 years since our wedding day, about 10 years since we first started "dating". Since I lived in Ohio and Damon lived here in AZ, everything was over the phone and by letters at first, so I guess that is not really dating! What a special time it was though. A beautiful, picture-perfect wedding - little did I know that marriage doesn't always follow a storybook plot! I am so thankful for the husband God gave me. I am thankful that he loves the Lord and wants to follow after Him, and that he wants to raise our boys to be Godly men. I'm thankful for his dry sense of humor and how he can make me laugh. I'm even thankful for the differences because they drive me to the Lord. Even in the times that were difficult in our marriage, God proved Himself so faithful to carry us through. I look forward to see what He does the next eight years! It is a small picture, but can you guess who that adorable flower girl is? Hint . . . she attends Calvary Chapel Surprise!
Celebrating with friends
We went to the Surprise Park today with the Home Educators of Surprise group for an Egg Hunt and fun fellowship. As we were late, our friend Josiah hid eggs for Aaron for a private egg hunt and he was happy with that. I think that I posted that we are doing the Resurrection Eggs this year, and that has been interesting! The first day was a donkey, and since Aaron loves animals that was a big hit. I think he is disappointed that it isn't an animal each day, but we are having fun. He runs around and plays, but I think it is still a good thing for him to see us come together as a family to learn about God. At the start of each time he wants to sing The B-I-B-L-E song - I've got to get this on video! It is really a blessing to be a mom and I am so very thankful.
Tired of the tv
I always am feeling guilty that I think Aaron spends too much time watching tv or on the computer. This morning he wasn't up more than five minutes before he was begging to watch tv. In a pinch to find something fun for him to do while I took care of a few things I put out the sifter with some flour on a piece of poster board. They both had a good time, and it wasn't that hard to clean up. Afterwards they played in the tub together which was so fun. We still ended up watching some tv this morning, but at least a little less than usual. Now we are off to go see the horses at the boarding stables around the corner from our house to meet our Cousin Jason and Auntie Elsa. It's always a free fun time!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
The extent of our celebration is that I accidentally dressed the boys in green, then later was reminded that today is St. Patrick's Day. Here is a little bio of Patrick from Christianity Today:
First, a few misconceptions about Patrick:
Patrick isn't really a Saint with a capital S, having never been officially canonized by Rome. And Patrick couldn't have driven the snakes out of Ireland because there were never any snakes there to begin with. He wasn't even the first evangelist to Ireland (Palladius had been sent in 431, about five years before Patrick went). Patrick isn't even Irish. He's from what's now Dumbarton, Scotland (just northwest of Glasgow).
Patrick was 16 years old in about the year 405, when he was captured in a raid and became a slave in what was still radically pagan Ireland. Far from home, he clung to the religion he had ignored as a teenager. Even though his grandfather had been a priest, and his father a town councilor, Patrick "knew not the true God." But forced to tend his master's sheep in Ireland, he spent his six years of bondage mainly in prayer. He escaped at the suggestion of a dream and returned home.
Patrick was in his mid-40s when he returned to Ireland. Palladius had not been very successful in his mission, and the returning former slave replaced him. Intimately familiar with the Irish clan system (his former master, Milchu, had been a chieftain), Patrick's strategy was to convert chiefs first, who would then convert their clans through their influence. Reportedly, Milchu was one of his earliest converts.
Though he was not solely responsible for converting the island, Patrick was quite successful. He made missionary journeys all over Ireland, and it soon became known as one of Europe's Christian centers. This, of course, was very important to fifth-century Christians, for whom Ireland was one of the "ends of the earth."
Crafts and Easter Fun
I am trying to get Aaron interested in crafts - but like his mother he just isn't that into it! He did have a little fun with this project though, and even Ben got into the action. I am so excited that we are going to start doing our Resurrection Eggs tonight! This will be our first year and I am looking forward to it. Also, on Thursday we are going to an Egg Hunt with our friends the Harrells, so that will also be part of the celebrating! I am really trying to spend time this week really contemplating the Passion and Jesus' choice to go to the cross. I am so thankful for God's great love for us!
Phrases a mom doesn't want to hear . . .
I have heard two phrases in the last few days that no mom wants to hear - thankfully they were separate incidents! The first one happened while Aaron was in the bathroom and I was in the kitchen and I heard him say "I pooped on my foot". Enough said! The second happened the next day while he was playing a computer game in the family room and I had stepped out in the backyard for a minute. He ran outside and said "I swallowed it". I froze in panic and calmly tried to determine what "it" was in this instance. As there wasn't any food out and Aaron rarely willingly eats I don't think it was something meant to be swallowed. Since he has also recently been putting odd items in his nose and ears, I think he has ventured on to swallowing odd things. I never solved the mystery, but so far he seems to be healthy and normal so I don't think it was anything like a battery or such. The day that this happened was hectic and I was a little on edge, but I have to be thankful to God that He allows days like that for me to truly decide if I am going to walk after the Spirit or walk after the flesh. If things were never hectic, if I always had help and support at just the right times, and everything ran smoothly I'd never have to seek after Him to make the hard choice to not "flesh out". I am thankful for days like today though! We saw our friends the Harrells at the park and had a wonderful time, and everything is running according to plan. It's only mid-afternoon though so we'll see what comes next!
Playing around
We are just loving this weather and I am having a good time playing with my boys! I just can't wait for Ben to walk so he can participate more in the outdoor play! I also can't wait for him to learn not to put everything he finds outside in his mouth! I think we are still at least a few weeks away on the walking. Aaron walked at 11 months, but since Ben was born early he is expected to be a little behind. He is 13 months now - I can't believe it! He is a determined kid! He goes after things I never had to worry about with Aaron, and if Aaron has something he wants he just takes it away from him. It is so interesting to watch to see how their personalities develop. My biggest prayer for them is that they would really grow up knowing how much God loves them and having the joy of the Lord. After writing that I realize how much I need to too!
Words of value
Going along with the Women's Bible Study topic of words, I am interested in what Jesus spoke of most during his time on earth. How does this compare with what I speak most of? Politics? Local gossip? Dieting? I thought there would be a website that actually analyzed all His words as recorded in the New Testament and did the work for me, but I haven't found anything so far. With my own reading though I do see a few things. He spoke of the Father and the kingdom of Heaven, He spoke in parables with tools for daily living the Christian life, but mostly I am impacted by whom He spoke to. He spoke to the people that society cared the least for and those seeking after Him. This week I've mostly spoken of things with little eternal impact, and I haven't really spoken to anyone other than those in my comfort zone. To be honest, when I do talk to someone out of my comfort zone I am nervous and not really genuine. I love looking at Jesus' life and seeing how comfortable He was with everyone. He didn't condescend or act nervous because He had a heart of love for them. I so want to be able to see people that way even if they are different than I am. If you are reading this, as you converse, debate, etc., I challenge you to really scrutinize whether Jesus would put the time and passion into the subject at hand. That is my challenge to myself - I am opinionated on a lot of issues that I think Jesus wouldn't really bother about at all, and I am weak on some things that He was passionately strong about. Oh the trouble I have with my words!
Comments
Late last night I was a little down and glanced at the blog and saw that I had new comments! It just picked me right up to see that my friends had "stopped by" and was a timely reminder of the lovely people in my life. Thank you so much! It also corresponded with my Bible Study topic from last night. In our small group we talked about the impact of words of encouragement, and I am motivated to really make an effort to remember to encourage the people in my life. Of course, right before I went to the study I said horribly mean things to my husband and I know I'll have to apologize and seek forgiveness. That is the hardest part for me - being humbled! It is so good for me though, and I am thankful that God can use even someone as hopeless as me!
Oh no I have a three year old now!
Aaron turned three last week, and it is like he has read a child development book and is right on cue with all that it means to be three. Everything he does now he wants to do "by yourself". As I try to buckle him in the car seat he screams "by yourself!". I know that I should correct the grammar, but it is pretty cute that he calls himself "you" and "him". He also has started the lovely habit of screaming "give it to me" whenever I take something away - especially if we are in public. I thought I had to work on being consistent in the discipline before - this is a whole new world. There are cute things too thankfully! Lately he has been saying "Mommy, you are precious", or calling me "Precious Mommy". Does it get any better than that? Last week he said, "Mom can you do me a favor and get me some juice", and I about fell out of my chair. I think every time I ask Damon to do something I say "can you do me a favor" and he is repeating my words. This has really hit home as to how important the words that I use are, especially since I am starting in on a Bible study regarding our words and how they can hurt or heal. I have always thought to apply that to my marriage and relationships, but I think I am seeing how important my words are in raising my children. What a great responsibility! I want my words to be affirming and loving, but so often I am negative and annoyed, or just saying things that don't need to be said. The only thing I know to do is be in prayer that God will help me stop to think before I speak (this is always truly miraculous with me) and choose my words carefully.
On that note - why don't I stop "talking" now!
Baguettes, Brie and Frosted Flakes
After running and eating healthy for two weeks and gaining weight, I have decided that deprivation is not the path for me! I am once again sold on the concept of eating like the French, and I even think there is some good logic behind it! The French have an obesity rate of only 11% (while this is slowly on the rise as they embrace more things American), yet they eat an average of 45 pounds of cheese per person each year and eat tons of bread. One of the keys is the "satiability" factor - bread and cheese leave one feeling highly satisfied and less likely to snack. So, the last few days I have been having my French bread, jam and coffee for breakfast, cheese, small amounts of sweets, and lots of coffee. Another key factor is to do no eating in front of the tv, and to truly savor each bite and only eat what you enjoy. While a true French person would cry "sacre bleu" to this, I actually really like Frosted Flakes so that was added to my French cuisine today! I think the coffee plays a role as well, as coffee does seem to keep me from feeling hungry to snack. In addition to all of this, the French have about as many lingerie shops as bakeries, so that also seems to play a role in not overdoing it! I am keeping up with the running - I am actually enjoying it - but I am going to try to keep it social to add a little joie de vivre! I'll keep you posted on how this works.
Cookie Monsters!
I realized a few things this morning:
I should never be alone when I make baked goods, especially if I am making icing or frosting. I cannot be trusted!
Waking up after a binge on cookie dough and icing is what I suspect a hangover feels like.
1 year olds and 3 year olds still get up early even when mommy stays up past 2 a.m. making and eating cookies, but don't they just look so cute enjoying the fruits of the labor? I know I'll pay later for allowing cookies for breakfast, but it has been a fun morning!
Milk and Cookies
I made these iced sugar cookies today and was semi-pleased with my first effort. I did the swirls because I thought that would add a touch of femininity, but also because I thinned my icing too much! Tomorrow I am going to try another batch of thicker icing to do some more designs. The recipes for the cookies and the icing were at allrecipes.com/HowTo/Decorating-Cookies/Detail.aspx. This was a really helpful article and I know I will refer to it often.
Aaron and Ben will be so excited tomorrow to get to eat the ones that didn't make the cut!
Now stuffed with cookie dough, icing and milk(of course), I am going to waddle off to bed!
Business News
Alas, I have neglected this blog shamefully over the holidays! The kiddos and I had a couple bouts of illness, plus normal holiday stuff. Malinda has totally bailed on blogging with me, so I guess I'm on my own! In her defense, she is about as busy as the president these days.
For those of you wondering what is happening with the business - it is up in the air right now. Malinda took a position at Calvary Chapel Surprise as the interim Children's Ministry director, so her time is pretty well taken up. On the Robinson front Damon is working hard to grow his business so I am torn as I would like to do my thing, but he could probably use more support in our primary business. Please pray that I would be directed as to what to do right now.
It is hard to be the "behind the scenes" spouse sometimes. Damon plays guitar at church and Bible study, and is on the Men's leadership team. Who knew that the shy man I married would turn into such a joiner! My ministry in all of this is to take care of the little guys as Damon practices, goes to events, etc. I need to keep my service as unto the Lord, otherwise I feel burdened. I need to remember that wiping noses and reading a book for the 100th time is my primary ministry right now, and even though I'm not up front with the guitar it is an important thing that I do. I think I am writing this to remind myself!
So, for any of you out there in this situation please be encouraged: God will strengthen you for your tasks, whether they be at home, work, or elsewhere.