After some thought, I've decided to reactivate this blog. There is so much going on with what is happening with Aaron that I just can't put on the CarePage because it belongs with people closer in my life. We are about to go into round six of this fight, and I am tired. I am tired of spending half of my life in the hospital, tired of my family being separated, tired of the toll on my marriage. Mainly I am tired of watching Aaron hurt and not get to do normal things. He has been such a trooper, but I hate that his life has been changed by cancer. He experiences so much pain from his constipation/rectal issues that I am at a loss as to how to help sometimes. Yesterday in the car he was having pain and screaming "mama help me", then saying that God could help him. Thats tough theology for even an adult to grasp - God could choose to intervene and take the pain away but doesn't. It is difficult to hear him cry out for God's help and not have the miraculous happen. It is hard not to be bitter. I may as well say upfront - there are things I will share in this blog that aren't pretty, and what I don't need is anyone to worry about me and try to fix my problems by finding the one Bible verse that will put a smile on my face. To be honest, none of you can do that - only the Holy Spirit. I do know the truth, and many times can be so thankful for what God is doing through this nightmare, but there are days and hours that I just don't get it and I am sad and angry.
Can I list one thing I am thankful for right now? Yes. I am thankful for the grace of God that I am forgiven and loved beyond what I can comprehend. Loved enough to get angry and be distrustful and still be forgiven and accepted. Thank you Lord for your everlasting love and faithfulness to me!
There are so many fears as we face surgery and stem cell transplant in the next couple of months. Please pray that I can be courageous and do my best to get Aaron through these things with as much ease as possible. Please pray that I somehow will be loving to my husband in the midst of this anxiety and depression. Please pray that Aaron lives through this bout and that this cancer never comes back!
Starting back up
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6 comments:
Thank you for your honesty, Barbara! Your transparency will help me know how to better pray for you guys. It is also a reminder that we can't understand what you're going through.
I love you!
I agree with Monica and please don't ever think you need to sugar coat this. Knowing how to better pray for you really helps. We all feel so helpless and praying specifically really helps . I am glad you are getting things out and onto the computer. We love you guys and pray constangly for all of you. Love ya girl.
Your honesty is encouraging. Thanks for being so open especially about this whole situation with Aaron. Yes, it does help to know how to better pray for you. Just know that we love you guys and you all are always on our minds. Remember, the Lord loves you even more greater.
I have no idea what you are going through, but a piece of me does... don't suger coat.. it helps to get it all out there. You are in my prayers... not just Aaron... you too... i can't imagine.
I am so glad you are blogging again! I love hearing what is going on in your heart. You are an amazing person and I am so VERY blessed by you. Big Big BIG BIG Hugs.
Love you,
Malinda
I am so glad to see you blogging again Barbara. It looks like all the girls said it all for me. Thank you for your honesty and your openess. We continue to pray for you guys. We love you Barbara!
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