Just got off the phone with Aaron as he wanted to call me to tell me he went poop. Yea! Damon is with him tonight, then tomorrow they will come home and we will celebrate Christmas. He is so excited, and I am so glad he gets to come home tomorrow. There is a lot of drama right now with decisions regarding the surgery - location, doctor, etc. We keep being told that if we leave the study Aaron isn't a candidate for the stem cell transplant, but I have the oncologist on a recorded conversation telling us that Aaron has to have a transplant. I just feel unsettled about the whole thing, and the only reason that it matters is that the best implant for his leg may take a while to make and that would disqualify us from the study. It's hard for me to speak up to the doctor sometimes as I am such a people pleaser and I don't want to offend him. Part of this learning experience is to truly be an advocate and put those childish things behind me.
My friends saved the day - or days- again. Malinda let me crash her party on Christmas eve as I was truly a wreck. Then she hung out with me on Christmas day and Doug and Lauren visited Aaron. THEN she also stepped in and babysat for me on Friday afternoon as Aaron's MRI was pushed back. What would I do without her! Pam then kicked in and came and spent the evening with us which was great so I couldn't just cry and mope. It is hard not to. I just had this whole conversation with Damon about whether Aaron is getting a blood transfusion, and what he needs to be pre-medicated with like this is some normal thing. I DON'T WANT MY LITTLE BOY GETTING REGULAR BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS!!! There, got that off of my chest!
I am no fun but yet you all stick with me. I am at a loss, but so thankful. I am telling you, one thing I am learning is how to be a better friend when this is done. My friends are loving me in such needed and practical ways, and I see how bad at that I am. I can't say thank you enough!
Tomorrow is Christmas - well for us!
Christmas Card
I picked up a box of Christmas cards this morning (I needed one for the girl who cuts my hair ... more later) and this one spoke to me.
"Christmas is a reason
to be joyful, to believe,
A reason to be grateful
for the blessings we receive
a reason to have faith and trust
in our gracious Lord above . . .
Christmas is a reason
to be filled with hope and love."
Yes, celebrating that God sent Jesus, our redeemer, to earth is a reason to be joyful, even in the midst of a dark time. I am praying that through God's help this week I will be able to reflect with gratitude on the many blessings I have so undeservedly received, and be joyful and have faith.
The little things can make such a big difference. Annette, the girl who cuts my hair, fit me in at 6 a.m. this morning so I could get my hair cut and highlighted. For those of you who have seen me lately, you know the roots were getting out of hand! Since Aaron was diagnosed she will only charge me enough to cover her costs, and she is such an encouragement. I don't think that Annette is a believer, but God has blessed me through her. If you need a new stylist, she does a great job!
I am dreading telling Aaron we are going to the hospital this morning. Please pray that it will go as smoothly as possible for him. He is still having rectal pain and bathroom problems, which I guess are just going to be a fact of life for the few months as he can't heal right now due to the chemo. Please pray for that as well that he will get some relief and that I'll have wisdom on helping him. It is so distressing to see him in pain and not be able to help him very much.
Most of all please pray that I will seek the Lord first and foremost, and stop trying to figure this all out on my own. I can't take the burden, and He wants it.
Starting back up
After some thought, I've decided to reactivate this blog. There is so much going on with what is happening with Aaron that I just can't put on the CarePage because it belongs with people closer in my life. We are about to go into round six of this fight, and I am tired. I am tired of spending half of my life in the hospital, tired of my family being separated, tired of the toll on my marriage. Mainly I am tired of watching Aaron hurt and not get to do normal things. He has been such a trooper, but I hate that his life has been changed by cancer. He experiences so much pain from his constipation/rectal issues that I am at a loss as to how to help sometimes. Yesterday in the car he was having pain and screaming "mama help me", then saying that God could help him. Thats tough theology for even an adult to grasp - God could choose to intervene and take the pain away but doesn't. It is difficult to hear him cry out for God's help and not have the miraculous happen. It is hard not to be bitter. I may as well say upfront - there are things I will share in this blog that aren't pretty, and what I don't need is anyone to worry about me and try to fix my problems by finding the one Bible verse that will put a smile on my face. To be honest, none of you can do that - only the Holy Spirit. I do know the truth, and many times can be so thankful for what God is doing through this nightmare, but there are days and hours that I just don't get it and I am sad and angry.
Can I list one thing I am thankful for right now? Yes. I am thankful for the grace of God that I am forgiven and loved beyond what I can comprehend. Loved enough to get angry and be distrustful and still be forgiven and accepted. Thank you Lord for your everlasting love and faithfulness to me!
There are so many fears as we face surgery and stem cell transplant in the next couple of months. Please pray that I can be courageous and do my best to get Aaron through these things with as much ease as possible. Please pray that I somehow will be loving to my husband in the midst of this anxiety and depression. Please pray that Aaron lives through this bout and that this cancer never comes back!