Insecurities

I was at Women's Bible Study a few weeks ago and I had one of those awkward few minutes where I was just standing there with no one to talk to and feeling dumb.  Ever have those moments?  My insecurities sort of rushed over me and those gawky junior higher feelings of not fitting in surfaced.  Ugg, I hate those moments!  It got me thinking recently of insecurities and feeling inadequate, etc.  I am thankful for that moment (and the many others like it) because those feelings can drive me to the Lord to find my security in Him.  I was thinking back to a time about 11 years ago when I was at a party.  At the time I had just moved away and was back for a visit.  At this party was a group I had been integrated with for years through church and college, and since I was visiting I was sort of the "life" of the party.  I fluttered about and everyone wanted to see me and talk to me.  Damon was actually at that party and it was part of what first attracted him to me - seeing me completely in my element and lighting things up. Wow, sounds like I'm building myself but I really don't mean it like that.  That was a time in my life when I was often the center of things and from the outside there may have been some envy from others wanting to be in the center as well.  The part no one saw was after the party, when I was home beating myself up for hours for being too loud, too attention-seeking, too fat (I weighed a lot more then), too sarcastic, etc.  Have you ever done that?  Analyzed every move that you made at a party, on a date, out with a friend.  I used to do that with the precision of a surgeon - loathing myself for every wrong move.

What I realized from this contrast - one night being the "life" of the party and still being very nervous and insecure, and one night feeling alone and being insecure - is that our circumstances sure don't define our happiness.  I need to be centered on the Lord to be secure and sure-footed.  

Long post - sorry!  This was pretty transparent but I hope someone else can relate and join me in giving these things over to the Lord.  And for all my sweet friends - I know that I'm not alone but don't we all sometimes have those moments when we feel like we are on the outside?  I'm thankful for them - they remind me to cling to Jesus!